


Unsubstantiated Rumours

by RuArcher (Coriesocks)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Marauders' Era, Secrets, The Marauder's Map, remus lupin man of mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 12:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15072722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coriesocks/pseuds/RuArcher
Summary: James and Remus are up to something and Sirius is determined to get to the bottom of it.





	Unsubstantiated Rumours

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [themaraudersseventhyear](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/themaraudersseventhyear) collection. 



> Thank you to my wonderful beta, Katalina_Riddle!

Sirius leant back against the wall by the entrance to the dorms, arms folded across his chest, and watched his two best friends through narrowed eyes as they huddled suspiciously close together on the sofa in front of the fireplace. They’d been acting very oddly recently and Sirius didn’t like it one bit. Twice now he’d walked into the dormitory, only for a guilty silence to descend as they abruptly spun around to face him, and on Monday night he’d been awoken by the sound of James padding across the dorm and then sliding between the curtains into Remus’ bed. Then there was all the furtive whispering, the sneaking off together in the evenings, and, to top it all off, they had actually ditched him in Hogsmeade last weekend, the wily bastards! He could put up with a lot, but being made to wander around Hogsmeade like Norman-No-Mates was the final straw. They were clearly up to something and Sirius swore he wasn’t going to rest until he got to the bottom of it.

He had them by the short and curlies now though; they’d made the same mistake everyone always made in assuming he was too self-obsessed to notice something going on right in front of his eyes. They weren’t nearly as sneaky as they thought they were, though. For instance, he’d quickly worked out that they disappeared almost immediately after dinner every Wednesday. The only problem was, he hadn’t been able to pinpoint where exactly they were going (Remus was holding onto the map with the same fierceness as a mother bear protecting her cubs). But that was all going to change tonight; he wasn’t going to let them out of his sight. Jaw set, he strode over to his friends and plonked himself down on the sofa between them, an arm around each of them.

“So, what’s the plan tonight?” he asked innocently, knowing full well they planned to sneak off together.

He didn’t miss the look they exchanged, but it just spurred him on.

“Well, I’m off to the library, so I’ll catch up with you two later,” Remus said, shrugging off Sirius’ arm and walking quickly out of the common room without even a backward glance. They weren’t even trying to be subtle in ditching him now! At least James hadn’t been able to escape, and there was no way he was letting him out of his sight now.

“Looks like it’s just you and me then!” Sirius said brightly, slapping James on the back, perhaps a touch too roughly if James’ wince was anything to go by.

“Er, great, yeah,” James said distractedly. “About that. I have to go too; I’m busy.” He wouldn’t meet Sirius’ gaze as he stood up and started stuffing his belongings into his bag.

“Busy with what?” Sirius asked. He couldn’t pretend it didn’t sting just a little bit that two of his best friends were trying so hard to get out of spending time with him.

“I have a thing. At the library.”

“What thing?” Sirius watched blandly as James fumbled around for an excuse.

“Er…Moony’s helping me with…my, er...Charms essay!”

“Great! I’ll come too,” Sirius said, plastering a grin on his face.

James’ face fell. “But you hate the library.”

“Not when two of my best mates in the whole world are going to be there,” Sirius said wrapping an arm around James’ shoulders.

James stared at him for a moment, and Sirius thought he was trying to come up with another excuse, but then he just shrugged and said, “Come on, then.” Sirius cheered and trotted out of the common room after James.

They were barely halfway to the library when James stopped suddenly. He’d been unnaturally quiet since they’d left the common room, and now he looked decidedly nervous and shifty.

“Wait here, mate. Just need to pop to the loo,” James said, inclining his head towards the entrance to the boy’s toilets.

Sirius went to follow him in — he didn’t need to go, but he also didn’t want to let James out of his sight — but James stopped him short before they got to the door.

“Merlin’s fucking beard, Pads. Can a man not shit in peace?” James exclaimed, somewhat irrationally.

Sirius rolled his eyes. When did Prongs become such a drama queen? “Fine, fine, you pissy little twat. I’ll just wait here for you,” he huffed, walking to the opposite wall so as to lean artfully against it. It wasn’t like there was any other way out of the bathroom, so he felt fairly confident James wouldn’t be able to escape him. Plus, he wasn’t particularly keen on being in the same room as James’ explosive arse.

When after fifteen minutes James had yet to appear, Sirius decided to go in and check on him. He’d seen several other students go in and out, but there had been no sign of James. To his confusion, though, the bathroom was completely empty, except for a couple of first years washing their hands at the sinks.

“Did you happen to see a tall guy, messy black hair, glasses in here?”

“You mean the head boy?” the smaller of the pair squeaked.

“Yeah, that’s the twat. Was he in here?” Sirius demanded.

They both shook their heads.

“Dammit, Prongs!” he yelled, kicking a toilet door and causing the first years to jump in fright and scatter from the bathroom. The noise of it rebounding against the side of the stall echoed loudly through the tiled room. Sirius cursed his stupidity — James must have snuck out when another student entered. How could he have forgotten about the cloak! Bollocks!

* * *

 

He may not have been successful in keeping his friends in sight on Wednesday, but Sirius was determined James and Remus wouldn’t ditch him in Hogsmeade again like they had last time. He had briefly toyed with the idea of making use of those muggle handcuffs he had stuffed in the back of his bedside table, or even some kind of binding spell, but in the end he decided it would be too tricky to attach himself to either one of them without getting a hex in the face. He’d have to make do with just following one or both of them around all day — under a disillusionment charm if necessary.

He finished rinsing the conditioner from his hair and stepped out of the shower, steam billowing out of the small cubicle around him. He blindly groped for his towel, then scrubbed his hair with it to take the edge off the wetness. Next, he grabbed a second towel to wrap around his hips and slung the damp towel over his shoulder. He used his wand to de-fog the mirror, then spent a few minutes studying his reflection and touching up any imperfections in his skin with the few glamours and beautification spells he knew (it took substantial effort to look so effortlessly handsome all the time). When everything was in order, he strolled out of the bathroom, ready to shoot down whatever excuses James and Remus might have about spending the day with him.

“Alright lads, so what’s the plan today then?” he announced to the room. He’d thrown the towel over his head and continued to dry his hair as he strode towards his wardrobe — he’d had the same bed for seven years so he didn’t need to see to find it.

“Er…Sirius?” Peter said nervously.

At Peter’s tone, Sirius whipped the towel from his head and glanced around the room, instantly noticing the absence of two of his supposed best friends. He rounded on Peter, who visibly paled under the force of his glare. “Wormtail, please tell me they’ve just stepped out for some air,” he said slowly.

“Umm…You could say that, yes,” Peter replied.

“Wormtail!” Sirius whined. “Why’d you let them go?”

“I didn’t let them do anything,” Peter snapped. “James said you were taking too long poncing about in the shower and that he’d die of old age before you finished, then he and Remus left. I'm still here though,” he finished quietly.

Sirius slammed his wardrobe door shut. “Fucking brilliant. I don’t suppose they said where they were going?”

“No, but they said they’d meet us later in the Three Broomsticks, if we’re around.”

“Oh, how kind of them. Deigning to lower themselves to our company ‘if we're around’. Come on Pete, they can’t have left that long ago. Perhaps we can catch them up!” He bounded to the door, flung it open and ran into the common room, which was still busy with people yet to leave for Hogsmeade. At his dramatic appearance though, the room fell silent and Sirius stumbled to a halt. He was momentarily confused, but then he remembered…

“Bloody fuck…” he muttered feeling his cheeks heat under the part-amused, part-appraising stares of half of Gryffindor. He looked down at his bare chest and grabbed the towel to stop it slipping any lower.

“Nice skirt, Black!” yelled Marlene, cackling wildly.

“Fuck off, McKnickers!” he shouted back, hastily backing out of the common room and scrambling back to his dorm, laughter and wolf-whistles echoing in his ears.

“You could have warned me, Wormtail, you prick,” Sirius cried as he threw open the door. He glared at Peter, who was bent double and crying with laughter.

Sirius pouted and threw himself face-down on his bed, no longer in the mood for Hogsmeade. Peter quickly scuttled off to find some other, less dramatic, friends once he realised Sirius planned to sulk all day. Sirius didn’t care though, it just meant he had some peace and quiet to plan his next move. He chose not to bring up the whole ‘you fucked off and left me’ thing with James and Remus when they sheepishly returned to the common room later that day, but he delighted in watching them squirm for a bit.

* * *

 

 

The next day, Sirius found Remus sitting alone, in his favourite spot on the corner of the sofa by the fire in the common room, and decided to take the opportunity to hopefully squeeze some information out of him. Sirius liked to think he and Remus had a special relationship. James and Peter were like brothers to him, whereas Remus was…different. More, somehow. He didn’t like to dwell on the hows and whys of it; all that mattered was that Remus was his, and he was Remus’, so Sirius was confident he could get him to spill whatever secrets he and James were keeping.

Sirius stalked over and flopped heavily onto the sofa, nudging Remus’ hand out of the way so he could rest his head on his leg. Remus kept his attention on his book, but absently started petting Sirius’ hair with his recently displaced hand. Sirius hummed appreciatively and just enjoyed the sensation of Remus’ long fingers scraping cross his scalp for a few minutes before interrupting the peace and quiet.

“Hey Moony, what’re you up to?” Sirius asked, poking the book that was hovering over his face to get Remus’ attention.

“Reading,” Remus replied, batting Sirius’ hand away.

“So...any plans with James later?”

“No more than usual. Why?”

“No reason,” he huffed. Remus clearly wasn’t going to spill his secrets so easily.

Sirius fell silent as he pondered his next move, and Remus went back to reading his book, resuming his petting of Sirius’ hair. The gentle hum of conversation combined with the feeling of Remus’ fingers tugging through his hair lulled Sirius into a light doze, but he shook himself awake before he could fall more deeply asleep; napping wouldn’t get him any closer to the truth!

“Mooony, I’m bored. Tell me a story,” Sirius whined, poking Remus in the side.

Remus glared at him over the top of his book. “Okay, how about the one about the diligent student who studied hard, never got into trouble, and didn’t pester his friend when he was reading?” he said flatly.

“Nah, boring. Heard that one already. Come on, don’t you want to do something?” Sirius asked, batting his eyelids in what he hoped was an alluring manner.

“I am doing something. It’s called reading — you might want to try it sometime.”

“Harsh, Moony. Your words cut deep,” Sirius said with a pout.

Remus snorted, but didn’t say anything further.

Sirius tried his best to amuse himself — he made a couple of quills waltz around the coffee table for a bit, he prodded Remus in the face (until Remus smacked him with his book), he made some paper cranes and charmed them to dive-bomb unsuspecting students — but then he had to break the silence again or else risk insanity. “So what’s with you and James recently?” he asked, tugging Remus’ tie to get his attention.

“What do you mean?” Remus replied quickly.

Sirius smirked, and sat up so he could get a better look at Remus. Had he actually been able to rattle Remus? Maybe he should have been more direct from the start. Was he finally going to uncover their secret? “You just, I don’t know, seem…closer, maybe?” he said, watching Remus closely.

Remus’ cheeks darkened and he averted his gaze. “He’s one of my best friends. Of course we’re close. Why? Are you jealous?”

“Pfff, shut up,” Sirius said, barking out a laugh to hide his unease. Remus’ reaction wasn’t what he’d expected — he almost looked embarrassed. “Why would I be jealous?...should I be jealous?”

Remus rolled his eyes, composure having evidently returned. “If you must know, James and I have started a torrid love affair and can’t keep our hands off each other, but don’t tell Lily. We want it to be a surprise.”

Sirius was briefly stunned by the frankness of Remus’ confession. It was only when he saw Remus struggling to stifle his laughter that he realised he’d been joking.

“Ha bloody ha, you little shit,” Sirius said once he recovered from the shock.

Sirius was ninety-nine percent sure Remus had been joking about his torrid love affair with James, but he couldn’t completely dismiss the idea. What if Remus had been telling the truth?

* * *

 

Sirius was starting to become frustrated with his lack of progress at discovering what James and Remus were up to. He’d even quizzed Peter, but that boy was worse than useless and hadn’t even noticed anything was up. It had been DAYS and no one was telling him ANYTHING. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d caught them whispering to each other and it was just not on. James was his best friend, and Moony, well, Moony was his…his… was just his, and everyone, especially James, knew it. The stress was not good for his complexion and he was becoming desperate for answers…which is how he found himself laying across both James’ and Remus’ laps in the common room in order to prevent them from trying to escape from him again.

“Sirius, in the name of all that is good and holy, what the fuck are you doing?” James asked, frowning down at him as Sirius squirmed to get comfortable. He needed to find some softer friends; these ones were far too pointy and lean.

“I’m reclining,” Sirius replied archly, acting for all the world like it was a completely normal for him to be doing this. Granted, they didn’t have many boundaries between them, but up to this point, he’d never had his face quite so close to James’ crotch.

“Yes, but why are you reclining on us?” James threw a pleading look at Lily, who had taken one look at the three of them before snorting and settling into a free chair beside Marlene and Mary.

“Why not?” Sirius said, finally stilling as he found a vaguely comfortable position. His head was on James’ lap, pillowed on his arms, and his legs were crossed at the ankle and resting on Remus’ lap. He was fully prepared to keep this up all evening — he wasn’t going to let on how uncomfortable it was. Remus was yet to say anything in complaint, but then he was slightly more used to Sirius lounging all over him. Sirius could clearly see him smirking behind his book though, despite the fact he was trying hard to keep his face hidden.

“Well, for one, your elbow is a hair’s breadth from my bollocks, and two, you weigh a fucking TON, so get off me! Merlin, how do you manage to be so bony and heavy at the same time?”

“It’s all part of my charm,” Sirius replied with a rakish grin. “You don’t hear Moony complaining, you big man baby.”

“That’s because, for some reason, Moony has the patience of a saint when it comes to you,” James said, with an odd look at Remus. Sirius narrowed his eyes as he watched the brief exchange and was surprised to see Remus’ cheeks redden before he ducked his head back behind his book. What the fuck was going on?! “Now, shift your fat arse — I’m going to sit with my girlfriend,” James growled, standing up so quickly that Sirius wasn’t able to save himself from tumbling to the floor in a tangle of limbs and hair. When he looked up after picking himself up and straightening out his clothes and hair, he caught Remus looking at him with an oddly soft, almost fond, expression, but it was rapidly replaced by his usual look of amused exasperation. Sirius smirked at him before sitting heavily down on the sofa and curling into Remus’ side. Maybe it was too ambitious to try and keep them both in one place; he’d settle for keeping Remus pinned to the sofa instead.

“Hey,” Sirius said, beaming up at Remus from where his face was pressed against his shoulder.

“Hey.” Remus glanced down at him, an eyebrow raised in question.

“What’re you reading?”

“A book”

“About?”

“Are you really interested or you just here because you’re bored and have no one to play with?”

“Of course I’m interested!” Sirius cried, straightening up and clutching a hand to his chest in mock-offence. At Remus’ unimpressed glare though, he quickly settled back down. “Okay, fair enough. I couldn’t care less. Sorry, Moons,” he shrugged.

“It’s fine. You can stay here, but I want to finish this chapter so you have to be quiet. Then we can go and do something else.”

“Quiet. I can do that.”

“There’s a good boy,” Remus said with a smirk. He shifted his arm and wrapped it around Sirius’ shoulders, hugging him more snuggly into his side. Sirius sighed contentedly as all his worries and suspicions about James and Remus going off without him drifted away. He could hardly remember what he’d been so worried about. This is how things should be; James and Lily being barely decent on an armchair together, him and Remus hanging out together with no concept of personal space, and Peter off somewhere doing whatever it was he did.

* * *

 

They were at it again. They’d obviously thought him asleep, but Sirius had seen Remus tip-toe across the dormitory and sneak into James’ bed, and now all his suspicions were rushing back. It was driving him crazy — what were they doing that was so secret, they couldn’t tell him about it? The one thing his mind kept coming back to was that they were secretly shagging, but surely James would never do that to Lily, would he? But even if they were — if Remus hadn’t been joking — why couldn’t they just tell him? Did they think he wouldn’t be okay with it? Well…if he was honest, the idea of the pair of them together made him slightly nauseous, but he’d still find a way to support them.

Remus didn’t stay long in James’ bed, but Sirius was up much later, tossing and turning while he tried to formulate a new plan. He’d tried outwardly asking them, he’d tried following them, he’d tried asking Pete what he knew, he’d even tried sitting on them, but nothing had worked. There was no other option left — he needed to get his hands on the map. Remus and James had been keeping it very close to them for weeks now, ever since they had started acting strangely, so they might not let it go, but Sirius thought he could probably sweet talk it out of them. Failing that, he’d just pinch it.

“Hey, Prongsy, can I borrow the map?” Sirius asked one evening, doing his best to project an air of disinterest.

James narrowed his eyes, clearly suspicious. “Why?”

“Because I want to…look at something,” Sirius replied with a shrug.

“Look at what?”

“It’s a secret.”

“You want to borrow the map for a secret reason?”

“What? Like you and Moony are the only ones allowed secrets?”

James’ eyes widened, and he actually looked a bit panicked. “We don’t have secrets!”

“Okay, then let me borrow the map.”

“No. It’s…broken.”

“What? Let me look then! I might be able to fix it!” Sirius almost yelled in frustration — was this the big secret? Had they broken the map and were now trying to fix it?

“It’s all under control! Moony’s on it. He’s the best one to sort this out, so don’t worry about it, okay? And maybe don’t tell him I said anything…”

Sirius glared at him, torn between kicking up a fuss and letting it go. “Fine, whatever. My lips are sealed,” he said eventually, and James sagged in relief.

Sirius had absolutely no intention of letting it go though; if anything he was even more determined to get his hands on the map. He already knew Remus carried the map around with him all day, and then stowed it under his pillow at night, so it was just a matter of waiting for the right moment to steal it.

Once Sirius had set his mind to stealing the map, he could barely concentrate on anything else. He was buzzing with nervous anticipation. All he had to do was sneak into Remus’ bed and somehow steal the map, replace it with a fake, and manage to keep hold of it until after James and Remus disappeared for their Wednesday night mystery meeting, and then return it without Remus being any the wiser. It shouldn’t be too difficult…

On Tuesday night, Sirius made up an excuse about needing a lie down so he could be in the dorm when Remus came up to get ready for bed. There was only be a small window of time when Remus left the map unattended, so Sirius didn’t want to take any chances. He’d prepared a fake map — a piece of parchment carefully folded to mimic the original that would reveal a basic map of the school when the charm was enacted, but no tracking spells — and was ready to make the switch when the time came. He had a plan A (steal the map when Remus was in the bathroom) and a plan B (sneak into Remus’ bed and distract him, then steal the map), and then an absolute last resort plan C (confound his friends and swipe the map from under their noses). If everything went as normal, Remus would come up to get ready for bed first, while James squeezed in a few more minutes of snogging with Lily. Peter was an unknown variable, but his silence was fairly easy to buy if you knew the right price.

He didn’t have to wait long for Remus to traipse into the dorm and start getting ready for bed. He smiled and nodded in greeting at Sirius before dropping his current book on the pile on his bedside table and starting his usual bedtime routine. Sirius watched from the corner of his eye as Remus stripped down to his pants and gathered up his toiletries, then pretended to be intensely interested in the magazine in his lap while Remus, after a quick look over his shoulder, slid the map out of his pocket and stowed it beneath his pillow. If Remus noticed him acting strangely (he didn’t make a habit of watching his friends strip) he didn’t say anything, he just picked up his pyjamas and headed into the bathroom for his usual pre-bed shower. As soon as the bathroom door clicked shut, Sirius leapt out of his bed and swapped the maps over, careful to leave the fake in the exact position as he’s found the original. He jumped back into his bed and pulled the curtains closed around him, his heart racing, the map held tightly against his chest. He could barely contain his grin — stealing was such a rush!

* * *

 

Wednesday lessons were torturous. Sirius had thought the anticipation of stealing the map was bad, but it was nothing compared to feeling the map burning a hole in his pocket all day as he waited for the time when James and Remus would unsubtly sneak off together. He swore he could constantly feel their eyes on him, but whenever he turned to look, they were looking in the other direction. However, by the end of the day, his twitchiness was drawing more than a few curious glances. He supposed he should try and act a bit more ‘normal’ but it was taking all his concentration to focus on not drawing attention to the map in his pocket. He was fairly certain Remus hadn’t noticed he’d swapped the map out for a fake, but there was always the chance he was biding his time and waiting for the perfect moment to confront him (Sirius knew he would be suspect number one if or when they finally realised the map was gone).

After dinner, Sirius made an excuse to escape from his friends — he didn’t want to be around if Remus noticed the map missing before he and James headed out — and he hid himself away in a cubicle in the third floor boys’ toilets. He cast a quick scourgify on the seat and surrounding area, then settled down and unfolded the map across his knees. Once he’d activated the map, he quickly found James and Remus in the common room. They usually snuck off quite soon after dinner so he didn’t think he’d have to wait too much longer. While he waited, he amused himself by checking all the usual alcoves and empty classrooms for illicit hook-ups.

He got so distracted watching Tracy and Mylo’s footprints dancing around each other in an empty second floor classroom, that he almost missed Remus and James leaving the common room. With his heart in his throat, he watched as they haltingly made their way through the corridors. Their footprints were pretty much on top of each other so he could only assume they were under the cloak. Either that or James was giving Remus a piggyback. Sirius snorted at the image in his head, but then remembered that this was serious business and he forced the image away. He didn’t know what he was going to once he discovered where they were going — store the knowledge away for a later confrontation, or race over and expose them — he was just so excited that he was finally going to find out the truth. He could barely sit still and his knee wouldn’t stop jiggling up and down, making it increasingly difficult to read the map. Despite this, he was able to follow their path through the school, and as they navigated the stairways, rising higher and higher in the castle, he quickly realised where they were headed; the room of requirement! He let out an elated shout as their markers disappeared on the seventh floor, confirming his conclusion. Sirius carefully folded the map and stowed it back in his pocket, then dashed up to the seventh floor as quickly as he could. He had no idea what he was going to say, beyond shouting “Ha! I knew it!” in their faces, but he knew he had to get there immediately.

The seventh floor was deserted when he eventually arrived. His gasping breaths echoed around the cavernous hall and sounded impossibly loud to his ears. The wall opposite the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy was blank, but he knew the door was there. As Marauders, they’d made use of the room on several occasions — so much so, he was actually a little mad at himself for not guessing this was where they were sneaking off to the whole time. That didn’t matter anymore though; he was so close to finally discovering their secret! He walked in front of the blank wall thinking over and over I need to find Remus and James, but the wall stayed frustratingly devoid of doors. He tried a few other phrases: I need to know what James and Remus are up to, I need to find James and Remus shagging, Open the fuck up you stupid fucking door. Nothing worked, and with each failed attempt, his excitement turned more sour, until he resorted to kicking the wall angrily.

“Prongs! Moony! I know you’re there, you fuckers! Let me in!” he yelled, banging his fist pointlessly against the wall. It took only a few moments for him to realise the error of shouting so loudly when he heard the click of claws on stone, followed by the shuffling gait of the last person in Hogwarts that he wanted to see. Sirius’ heart sunk, disappointment flooding his body. He was so close!

“Well, well, well, what do we have here, Mrs Norris?” Filch muttered as he slowly emerged from the stairway. “Shouting and swearing in the corridors? Dumbledore will be hearing about this, you mark my words. Come ‘ere, you miserable wretch. Bloomin’ Black brothers think they’re above the rules.”

“Is there some kind of rule against shouting to oneself in the corridors? I’m not doing anything wrong,” Sirius said calmly — he had absolutely no desire to wind Filch up for a change.

“I know you. You and that band of delinquents is always up to something,” sneered Filch. Mrs Norris glared up at Sirius, her bright eyes fixed on the pocket where the map was.

Sirius smirked. “Ah, that may be true, but as you can see, tonight I’m all on my lonesome. Just a lonely guy, hanging out by himself, shouting at walls. Dumbledore won’t want to be bothered with that.”

Filch continued grumbling about students ruining his life so Sirius, realising Filch really had nothing on him, hastened back to the common room before the caretaker could think up a good reason to give him a detention. He was annoyed that he’d not got the room open, but at least he knew where they were hiding now. Whatever happened, Sirius sensed the mystery was drawing rapidly to its conclusion.

* * *

 

Sirius was frustrated. The bloody room of requirement hated him. This was his third time trying to get in and absolutely nothing he did worked. He’d tried every combination of ‘I need to see James and Remus’ he could think of, he’d tried spells to reveal the door, he’d tried spells to blast the wall open (only once though because unsurprisingly, it was very noisy), and he’d tried battering the wall with his fists. There was nothing left to do; he’d just have sit in the corridor and wait for them to emerge. He’d been avoiding this option so far because he wanted the element of surprise. If they found him outside the room, they could make up a lie, so ideally he’d wanted to catch them at it, but he couldn’t cope with any more sleepless nights; the stress was giving him bags under his eyes, making his skin dull, and causing him to bite his nails. He was a wreck and he wasn’t going to stand for it any longer.

He slumped against the wall, knocking his head frustratedly against the stonework — it had better be the best fucking secret in the history of secrets or he was going to be seriously pissed off at having expended all this effort to uncover it. He groaned, scrubbing his hands over his face; he was going to murder James and Remus when this was all over with. Despite the chill of the stone, the hardness of the floor, and his determination to stay awake, Sirius soon found his eyes growing heavy as weeks of broken sleep and stress caught up with him. He let his eyes drift shut, confident that he’d hear the door opening in time to spring to his feet and surprise his sneaky friends.

“…just kick him a bit harder.”

Sirius scrunched his nose up as he floated back to consciousness. Was that James? Why did he want to kick him? And why was his bed so cold and hard?

“What? No! The whole point of this is to make him like me more.”

Okay, so Remus was here too…but why did they sound so close and echo-y? And where was that draft coming from? Had Peter left the window open again?

“Fine, give him a quick smooch — wake him like the muggle fairytale princess he is,” James said with a snigger.

Princess??

“James!” Remus squawked. “He’ll hear you!”

“That’s the idea, isn’t it? Oi Pads, wake up, you lazy mongrel,” James said, and Sirius winced as he felt something heavy connect with his leg.

“I’m up, I’m up!” Sirius groaned, stretching. “You can stop kicking me now.” He rubbed his eyes and slowly took in his surroundings. James and Remus towered over him, with matching looks of concern on their faces.

“What are you doing?” Remus asked, peering down at Sirius.

Sirius pushed himself up, his muscles screaming in protest at the action, until he was sitting in more or less the same position as he had been before falling asleep. He wiped his mouth and cheek with the back of his hand and grimaced when it was sticky and damp with drool. “I was waiting for you two,” he said, unable to conjure up a lie with his head still groggy with sleep. It didn’t matter, he was done now. If James and Remus wanted to piss about behind everyone’s backs, he didn’t care. Let them do what they liked. He’d take Lily up on her suggestion to adopt Peter as his solo best friend…or maybe make more of an effort with Marlene; she was a good sort. She wouldn’t keep secrets.

“How did you know…” Remus started, then suddenly his face cleared. “It was you!”

“What was me?” Sirius asked, still not totally with it.

“The map! It went missing, but then appeared again. You took it!” Remus said excitedly.

“Ah, shit. You noticed?”

“Of course I noticed! Do you really think I don’t know the difference between a scrap of blank parchment and a map I’ve poured years of my life into?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” James said, pushing himself between them and reminding them both of his presence. “You lost the map and you never told anyone?” he shouted accusingly at Remus.

“I didn’t lose it, hei> stole it!” Remus cried, kicking Sirius in the leg.

“Hey! I didn’t steal it! It’s called borrowing, Moony. And I wouldn’t have had to borrow it if you two weren’t being such sneaky bastards and keeping secrets from me!”

James and Remus paused. Remus looked like he was about to say something but a stern look from James cut him short. Before Sirius’ irritation had time to fully flare up, Remus sighed and looked straight at him.

“I’m sorry Pads. I really didn’t want you to find out like this but…” He stepped over to Sirius’ left and pushed open the door that Sirius hadn’t even realised was there. The room of requirement! He stood up and eagerly pushed past his friends to get a look at the room that had been such a source of frustration for him recently…and his mouth fell open. He wasn’t sure what he expected to find — maybe a bedroom, a sexy boudoir, a BDSM chamber — but it definitely wasn’t a kitchen. It was a very large, well-appointed kitchen, but still very clearly just a kitchen, not much different from the Hogwarts kitchen downstairs. What the fuck was going on?

“What the—? Are you trying to tell me that you two have some kind of sexy house-elf kink?” Sirius asked, bewildered.

“What?” James and Remus both cried in unison.

“How the fuck does your mind go straight there, you pervy wanker?” James said with a laugh, shoving Sirius’ shoulder.

“You guys are shagging, right? That’s what this has been about?” Sirius said, glancing between the pair of them.

“No! That’s— Ew. Just, no,” Remus said with a grimace.

“Hey!” cried James. “You’d be lucky to be shagging someone like me. I’m bloody great in the sack — just ask Lily! Wait…best not. She doesn’t like it when I tell people we shag.”

Sirius was confused, and tired, and he really wanted someone to explain everything very simply and quickly so he could go to bed, preferably somewhere softer and warmer than the corridor. “Please can someone just tell me what the actual fuck you knobs have been up to so I can forget the whole bastard thing. You’re driving me crazy!”

James and Remus shared another look, much to Sirius’ growing irritation.

“You know what? I’m going to leave you two alone. I’m off to bed. Good luck, Moony! Don’t be a prat, Pads!” James said with a wave as he headed towards the staircase.

Sirius watched with confusion as James walked away and threw the invisibility cloak around his shoulders. “What does he mean ‘good luck’?” he asked, turning to face Remus. Remus looked like he might be sick or pass out, or a gross combination of both, so Sirius stepped up to him and placed a sympathetic hand on his arm, ready to catch him or comfort him (or push him away if he started puking). “Moony? What’s wrong? Why are you and Prongs sneaking off to a kitchen? It’s really okay if you’re shagging — Evans will probably have your bollocks, but I’m fine with it,” he said with a half-hearted shrug. He was completely not okay with it, but he’d never tell Remus that.

Remus looked at him, before hastily turning his gaze away. “James has been teaching me how to cook,” he blurted.

Sirius frowned. This was turning out much more strangely that he could have ever imagined. “Okaaay. And this is a secret why? Knowing how to cook isn’t a crime…”

“I wanted him to teach me how to make some of his Mum’s dishes. The ones you like the best…”

“Why?”

“Ugh, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, okay? It was supposed to be some big dramatic reveal. You love drama, right? And you love Mrs Potter’s food. And I just wanted to do something special for you because… well. Because you’re so special to me. But you’re also a nosey bastard and can’t let me do this one thing for you even though you do so much for me. So. There you have it.”

“You want to cook for me?” Sirius didn’t think he could get much more confused, but he had clearly underestimated the situation.

“Yes! It was supposed to be a surprise. I was trying to…Merlin, this is so embarrassing.” Remus hid his face in his hands. “I was trying to…court you,” he choked out, his voice slightly muffled by the hands over his face.

Sirius froze. His hand was still on Remus’ arm, but the friendly gesture suddenly seemed much more intimate. Remus wanted to court him? Who even did that anymore?

“Please say something, Padfoot,” Remus said desperately, dropping his arms to his side. His hazel eyes were wide and pleading, shaking Sirius from his stupor.

“You were trying to court me? I’ve been losing my mind thinking you and James were shagging!” Sirius said with a hysterical laugh. “Oh fuck, you stupid twat.”

“I’m so sorry. Can we please just pretend this never happened?” Remus begged.

“What? No! You promised me a courting, so court me you shall! I’ve not gone through all this stress for nothing,” Sirius cried.

Remus blinked in confusion. “Wait, you’re okay with it?”

“Well…I wish you could have just asked me out or snogged me like any normal person, but yeah. I’m okay with the whole ‘you and me’ thing.”

Remus sagged with relief, beaming broadly at him, and Sirius felt the all the stress of the past weeks lift from his shoulders.

“Come on then, we should probably head back before Filch catches us,” Sirius said.

“Good thing the map turned up again,” Remus said with a smirk as he pulled the map out and checked their route.

When Remus declared it safe to leave, Sirius reached over and took his hand, lacing their fingers together.

“Hey, Moony? You’re still going to cook for me right? Even though you don’t actually need to court me?” Sirius asked, giving Remus’ hand a quick squeeze.

“Anything for you, Padfoot,” Remus replied softly.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Find me on tumblr @ [coriesocks](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/coriesocks)


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